Tag Archives: god

They Said THIS In the Church Bulletin?

Heavens to Betsy! When you’re spreading God’s word, it’s important to pay attention to commas and spelling and proper phrasing. If you don’t, you may end up saying something other than what you really intended. And sometimes the result can be scandalous–or just funny as all get out.

The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide. Who needs professional comedians when everyday folks are just as humorous? (Note: You have to read this carefully to catch the funniest mistakes.)

Preach it!
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Suffer the little children
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.

The Power of Prayer
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you. Let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

After the worship service…
This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a national Prayer and Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.”

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Ladies, Ladies
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

Ladies’ Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Choir Practice
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing “Break Forth Into Joy.”

Which Door Do I Use?
The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Members of the Congregation
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Watch Out for Those Potlucks
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.

HOW Much Money Should I Give?
The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

Who says church is boring?

I feel angry and hurt, have you felt this way? See below.?

When I was 16 years old I was visited with mental illness. I was hosptialized and diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. If It were not for God and people that loved me I would ahve died a long time ago.

But I feel angry and hurt because part of WHY I got sick was people in school were very mean to me and picked on me and because I take medicine I cannot have children and I feel that these kids get to walk away scott free and get away with this
and I am left “holding the bag”.

I was a good girl very complaint and very obedient I wanted to go to college and learn about music because I sing but because I was so mentally ill in high school it took all my energy just to pass my courses and get good grades.

I often wonder why I have bi-polar and I have wondered what have I dont to deserve this? I did not have a qulity of life as a teenager ings are better now and I thank God How have yuo dealt with having mental illness?

This is a heavy cross at times and people do judge wrongly.

Religious devotion is a form of psychiatric disorder?

If I told my doctor I saw visions of the Virgin Mary, spoke with God and could ‘heal’ people with the power of my mind, I’d be commited to a psychiatric clinic and be given anti-depressant and psycho-tropic drugs , shock treatment, hypnosis, aversion therapy and be shunned by society.

Christians believe Jesus walked on water, brought Lazarus back from the dead, the Immaculate Conception. Crazy.

do you think the 90% of people on 10th – 1000th of world average HOURLY pay would have it no other way????????

do you think they think: thank god for a system that is wise enough to let the rich get endlessly richer so that we poor slaves can get the trickledown?

do you think they think: those people who think that justice is equal pay for equal work, no pay for no work, pay for only work [not for scarcity, gifts of nature, & other things which are not work, not personal loss of time or energy to the working person] & would have every family working average hard on US$75,000, instead of having us 90% on US$7500 – $75 per year – thank god THEY are not in charge: we’d all be poor!

do you think they think: thank god we havent got justice, equal pay for equal work, thank god there is nothing to stop the fewer [less & less than 1%] getting endlessly richer [higher pay per hour, already up to million x avg/hr] & the more getting poorer [lower pay per hour, down to 1000th avg/hr] so we can have the blessed effects of trickledown: free plastic water containers to haul our diseaseladen water wth!

If you want to see the God…See here.God has two parts one is Sky and another is universe.Isn’t it ?

In the beginning, at the time of creation of nature only one element was present in the vast universe of infinity, which is called the prime element or the God. In course of time it condensed into an energy element and then from energy it transformed into a solid element, which again got divided into seven re-transformed parts in course of time. These divided parts are earth (surface), water, air, fire (energy) consciousness, sky, and arrogance. In the seven elements were carried the truth (Positive), essence (Neutral) and sin (Negative) is equal proportion like wise in the whole universe there is a creation on 21 type of matters. These 21 maters constitute the whole universe. And divide themselves in to count less numbers of atoms. During the developing period of universe, in a desire to develop themselves the atoms carried on improving themselves spontaneously and gradually up to conscious soul, generally. Some highly developed carried high consciousness and divine power in them. The atoms of the universe are trying to go further ahead in the way of superiority.
If we take the milk as prime element, then curd, cheese, butter, buttermilk, butter oil, and creams etc. are the byproducts of it. Bacteria is cultured in the curd. Cheese is not active but the bacteria’s are active like wise, the matter, the living being and the ‘spheres’ are developed from the prime elements. The cause of the matter is energy and the energy is the condensed form of prime element (the essential elements of the universe).
The soul enters into the man though breathing to become the part of his cell, again to form into the sperm, and after that it take the form of a foetus in mother’s womb. Every atoms are well equipped to form alive. Wherever co-incidence occurs they become activated. And congruous to the developed state of own, with the help of other germs and atoms they take the form of a full bodied species.
Every atom has a free existence which is made of a part from the supreme element. Whatever is there in this universe, is existing from the beginning, will remain there. Only the shape and the size of it changes. Nothing reduces or increases.
The day atoms go back to there original position they will achieve salvation. Conversion of soul into super element is salvation.
This undivided infinite existing one is God. The soul, germs and the atoms are tiny parts of it. Like a stone and the molecules in it. Countless numbers of molecule combine together to form a stone. Likewise the tenure and the dominance of God are spread in molecules to molecules. This is a fact. An eternal truth.

Training for Girls Basketball?

I want to start getting my body in shape for girls basketball season at my high school. I have never played on a basketball team in my life, that I know of. so this will be my first year. When i was in 8th grade I tried out at my middle school and i ended up quitting in Practice! I know high school is going to be much tougher than That. so i need to know what type of exercises do i nedd to begin my training for basketball. I believe our basketball season starts in january or march, so please let me know. I am starting to jog and walk for 15 minutes, and then do some jumping jacks and push ups. And the days that i can’t jog I’m going to try and get on my tread mill for 10-15 minutes and then do some jumping jacks and push up and squats. Im also drinking lots of water so please any Good advice is welcomed. God Bless! this is also my first year in high school so I’m a freshman, so that means I’ll most likely be on jv if i make it.

Why are we all in an agony, even after worshipping god for years ?

Why are we all in an agony, even after worshipping god for years ? Why is our religious mind getting inclined towards atheism ? Our faith in god is at stake. The life seems to be worthless now. We worship but the belief is getting diminished. Our vision towards the almighty and the life is changing. lnspite of all these the happiness is getting away from us. Have you ever tried to find the reason behind it ? There is nothing in this world without a reason there is a certain cause of all your sufferings like happiness, grief, rise and fall, diseases etc. which has to be found out by you and has to be analyzed to the deep, sitting with me. Together, let us find out where lies the real trouble. For thousands of years, even after getting all lesson and advice from prophets, the happiness is slipping away from us. The reason behind it is the undisciplined vision of us towards life. We want flowers but abhors the thorns, whereas both CO-exist together. We are always dependent on others. We implore god to solve our own problems. We expect others to help us. We want comfort for ourselves only. We want happiness with a healthy life. But, simply by longing for it we can’t obtain anything. Like flowers and thorns we have both grief and happiness in us. Thorns are like Babool Tree which is germinated by itself. But, we need to have the courage to germinate flower plants, it needs protections and nursing. If you feel moose then the flower plants are discarded by grasses. Which do not allow them to grow. Any body who is careless about his flowers can split his plants any time. Happiness can never be begged, nor can it be given by any body. Our ancestor have given us the vision to God, government and the society as givers. Don’t we have any responsibility of our own ? When we can’t take the responsibility of a mere number of people in a family, now it is possibility of the almighty and the government to we all ? If you are inactive then no body can give you the happiness. The plants of joy are scattered around you only. It is necessary to nurse them and grow them, after locating them. Discarding selfishness, laziness, meanness, egoist attitude, and taking the whole universe as one, sharing joy with every one, considering the betterment of the world with every body’s welfare are applied by an industrious person, whose life is always successful. The surrounding him becomes heavens, which is not given by any body else, but created by himself only. Whatever circumstances we are in the present is caused by us only. We are trying to escape from this world for being scarred of it. We want salvation. It is life uprooting the bamboo plants to avoid tuneless voice from a flute. It the world so inharmonious ? if yes then free to fleeing from it, is the only way ? But, where to flee ? To the space zone ?

In the beginning, at the time of creation of nature only one element was present in the vast universe of infinity, which is called the prime element or the God. In course of time it condensed into an energy element and then from energy it transformed into a solid element, which again got divided into seven re-transformed parts in course of time. These divided parts are earth (surface), water, air, fire (energy) consciousness, sky, and arrogance. In the seven elements were carried the truth (Positive), essence (Neutral) and sin (Negative) is equal proportion like wise in the whole universe there is a creation on 21 type of matters. These 21 maters constitute the whole universe. And divide themselves in to count less numbers of atoms. During the developing period of universe, in a desire to develop themselves the atoms carried on improving themselves spontaneously and gradually up to conscious soul, generally. Some highly developed carried high consciousness and divine power in them. The atoms of the universe are trying to go further ahead in the way of superiority.
If we take the milk as prime element, then curd, cheese, butter, buttermilk, butter oil, and creams etc. are the byproducts of it. Bacteria is cultured in the curd. Cheese is not active but the bacteria’s are active like wise, the matter, the living being and the ‘spheres’ are developed from the prime elements. The cause of the matter is energy and the energy is the condensed form of prime element (the essential elements of the universe).
The soul enters into the man though breathing to become the part of his cell, again to form into the sperm, and after that it take the form of a foetus in mother’s womb. Every atoms are well equipped to form alive. Wherever co-incidence occurs they become activated. And congruous to the developed state of own, with the help of other germs and atoms they take the form of a full bodied species.
Every atom has a free existence which is made of a part from the supreme element. Whatever is there in this universe, is existing from the beginning, will remain there. Only the shape and the size of it changes. Nothing reduces or increases.
The day atoms go back to there original position they will achieve salvation. Conversion of soul into super element is salvation.
This undivided infinite existing one is God. The soul, germs and the atoms are tiny parts of it. Like a stone and the molecules in it. Countless numbers of molecule combine together to form a stone. Likewise the tenure and the dominance of God are spread in molecules to molecules. This is a fact. An eternal truth.