Anyhoo, meeting you somewhere…ummm…I think I’ll pass. Although you deny it consistently, my spirit speaks constantly of the vehement darkness that resides in barely visible clouds above your words, regardless of their cordiality. Whereas before I was excited by your correspondence, now I have come to realize that (as usual) there is nothing there worth being excited about. I feel that way for several reasons, but the most prominent would have to be your diligence in obtaining worldly things versus mending those things which can not be spent, stolen or substituted.
I’ve been doing a lot of research and interviewing people to help prove a theory I have about emotions. The core of my theory, in its simplest form, is that because nothing can be created nor destroyed, then emotions are not lost, but transferred to better suit a person’s new ideas of what makes them happy. For example, a young child loves dogs, is bitten by a dog, then hates dogs. Psychologists have studied this and named it conditional learning, but have yet to give something as abstract as “love” or “hate” any real attention. There haven’t been any real hard-core studies on how emotions and the intellectual processes of these emotions relate to conditional learning. Well, that is what I plan to do. Prove that we never stop loving our dogs, but because the dog did something that we disliked, we transformed that love into something (hate) that would better suit our new ideas of happiness. In this case, hating all dogs would give a false assurance to the child that he/she would never get bitten by a dog again. Though there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to get bit by a dog, I think the first step to releasing negative energy (hate) and allowing that energy to stay/return to a positive force (love) is understanding one’s own thought processes. Thus, if you felt whateva it WAS that you felt whenever it was that you felt it, then those feelings are still there in whatever new form that suits your perception of happiness.
My point (as long and drawn out as it may seem) is that I am not interested in being in the presense of someone that thinks as negatively of me as you obviously do. You have contorted, no far worse, you have transmogrified the true image of me to better suit your own psychological/emotional ideals and I don’t see the point in meeting in any place, neutral or otherwise. Phrases like, “if I had said anything at all it would’ve been where is the money” definitely aren’t inviting, nor do they make me feel like, “Hey, maybe I should just take her the money to make sure she gets it.” No. Quite contrarily, it makes me wish I wasn’t so concerned with how I would feel if the roles were reversed. I talked to my partner about this whole thing last night when we were in the shower and she agrees with me. She feels that although I didn’t intentionally set out to deceive you, you would have never been deceived had it not been for me. So morally, I SHOULD give you “the money.” However, objectively, I don’t HAVE to give you anything. I wouldn’t be wrong if I didn’t, nor would I be right. I would just be like most of the world, only doing what would directly benefit me. And contrary to popular belief (in the world of you), I am not like most people.
So, as I said yesterday, I will mail you a check. I get one free cashier’s check each month so I’ll send you a cashier’s check if it will make you feel better, which I’m sure it would under the circumstances. Calling? I doubt I would do that either. Please see above for an explanation. But how about this: whenever you receive your check and it has been cashed and deemed non-counterfeit, you call ME if you have anything to say.
Exactly. That thought you just had…that, “this bitch is tripping,” realize that everytime you send me an email, I feel that unvoiced anger, resentment, hatred…and the overdone sarcastic nonchalance sprinkled with an air of contempuous condescendence does not mask it at all, just as perfume on onions smell far worse than either standing alone. I would prefer if I only read those words. Speaking breathes life into those things and hearing forces acknowledgement. And though they are alive for you, they are still capable of being a figment of my imagination. For the sake of my own happiness, I would prefer to keep it that way.
You be safe and stay blessed sweetie,
